Student Paper #1 Commentary

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The three arguments that are put forth in the introductory paragraph can be strung together to form a thesis statement.

The privatization of this program is inherently flawed as it does not promote Social Securities foundation as a welfare program. It does not take the needs of women into account. Privatization is also economically biased in favor of those in the higher income tax brackets

In the last line the author then goes on to state what his/her solution to the Social Security crisis in a very general manner.

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This paragraph states that privatization of the Social Security program would go against the founding principles of Social Security as a social welfare program. The figure from Leone establishes the effectiveness of the program over the last 50 years.The author then cites the main claim of privatizers who claim a higher return. He/she dismisses this claim as irrelevant because of the risk involved.He/she further claims that understanding markets is very complex and difficult for the average consumer. The author is on the verge of heading off onto another line of argumentation when he/she returns to the notion that privatization will provide little comfort of being a social welfare program for retirees.

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This paragraph establishes the gender bias of privatization in the first topic sentence.The author's main argument as supported by Trudy Lieberman is that privatization schemes fdo not provide for spouses' and widows' benefits.

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The author continues the argument that, like women, the poor will be adversely affected by privatization. The author cites evidence from Congressman Robert Matsui about his expert opinion regarding where Social Security payroll taxes would go if Social Security wwere privatized.The author also cites The Nation which claims that the bottom 60% of retirees get more bang for their buck in the curent system.The last sentence in this paragraph is a bit misleading. While it claims that low wage earners will receive less benefits in the end. It should be pointed out that this would be relevant when it is compared to how the rich will fare in both systems.

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The beginning of this paragraph basically recaps the three previous arguments but goes on to make a furhter plea for the ideal of equality as seen in the Preamble of the Constitution.The author states that in the interest of establishing a more just society, privatized Social Security should not be forced onto the American public.

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Here is where the author suggests that the recent urgency surrounding the Social Security crisis should be tempered with a little patience.He cites the raising of the cap on paying into the Social Security system. He cites a figure from The Nation magazine which points out that this alone could reduce 2/3 of the budget shortfall.The author then cites a Senator Corzine (more identifying information could have been supplied here) making a statement about the values that are inherent in the current Social Security system and that these should not be undermined because they seem to represent the bedrock ideas that this country was founded on. The specific solution was put forth

Overall comments

The strongest and most developed argument here seems to be the appeal to the values that gird the current Social Security system. These stated values are then seemingly challengedby the risk that is introduced to the system. the author then warrants his evidence by

The sections on gender bias and class bias are less well developed, but the evidence that is used appropriately supports the postion stated in the topic sentences.

Finally, the paper comes back to his first argument and develops it some more. In addition, the author uses some quoted material outside the assigned reading to support his/her moralistic claim. This is an author who uses evidence effectively to support his/her claims.